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Why I Resent Your Stupid Costume Party & Other Feel-Good Musings

One year I was a ghost for halloween. Literally, an old bedsheet with two holes cut in it. The next year I was a mummy. Yup, toilet paper. The year after that, I must have figured out I had to do this thing on my own. I procured a horror mask from one of my older siblings, dumped ketchup all over my shirt and brought a big knife to school. They took the knife away, of course, but this was before school violence really came into vogue, so I wasn't suspended or anything. As the day went on though, my shirt began to give off an unpleasant odor, and I was sent home for that reason. Fair enough. On my way home, I had to cross a bridge over the Napawaupee River. I climbed up on the guard rail, no

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